Warning: correspondents sending epistles of an abusive, offensive, tasteless, explicit or illegal nature will be dealt with. The editors would like to observe that the dungeon is not far from the wine cellar.

Dear Doge,

I'm a sixteenth century Spaniard and the first apprentice of a fifteenth century Italian. I'm concerned about my Master, though. Recently, he's taken to apprenticing barbarians (ninth century Irish and sixth century Frank) and educating women (both of the barbarians). I fear they are beginning to corrupt him -- lately he's taken to wearing plaids instead of brocades and trews instead of tights. How can I bring him back to the light of civilization and righteous education?

su seguro servidor

The Un-Anachronistic Apprentice

Dear Un-Anachronistic:
I often wonder at the term "barbarian" (as I often wonder about a great many things when I am lazing in the bath on a quiet afternoon and have tucked away a goodly lunch, a few bottles of fine wine and the household scullion has brought me the latest issue of "Nobleman's Quarterly"). I have oft heard that it is an ancient word that the Greeks used to describe those "non-Greeks". Originally, it was used to decribe the indecipherable sounds of the non-Greek language and somehow went on to mean an entire peoples. Or several groups of peoples. I am sure, to the Chinese at the time, our Western cultures seemed "barbaric". I believe they were using paper a good millenium before Gütenberg had the brilliant idea of printing the Bible on something other than sheepskin...(a decision, by the way, that no doubt made many sheep deliriously happy, at least until the folks in plaid showed up)

So "barbarism" is entirely in the eye of the beholder, in my estimable opinion.

As for educating women, it is my understanding that there have been educated women all along...provided that they were upper class, convent educated, or taking holy vows. Since the ratio of educated women in the sixteenth century was much higher due to a rising middle class, your Master is doing these gentle ladies a great service and bringing them that much closer to conforming to the standards of your century. Or was the concern more that he was educating barbarians? If they truly meet the stereotype of a barbarian, they are uneducable, and again, there is no issue worthy of concern for one such as yourself.

But, I digress from your original question. It would seem that your concern is for your Master and the regressive influence that these newer apprentices are having upon him. Let's start by taking account of his change in wardrobe....he has exchanged his brocades for plaids and his tights for trews. One question springs to my mind...has your Master put on any weight in recent times? As a man ages, what was once a trim, flat abdominal plain becomes something of a sizeable piece of real estate, sometimes including even the house and barn. Trews and tunics and concealing plaids are a bit more comfy and forgiving than that show-it-all-to-the-ladies set of tights and doublet. If he has gained in girth as well as stature, it is your duty as the eldest apprentice to see to the health and well-being of your Master. Suggest a fitness regime of dancing before breakfast to slim his equator (Queen Elizabeth's exercising regime included high-kicking dance steps before breakfast ala the Rockettes) or long walks in the gardens...say, of the size of Versailles or the Tuilleries. Or Calontir if you have a particularly large Peer to deal with. Properly applied, such exercise will have him back in shape in doublet-time.

If it is a question of fashion, bring out the big guns...point out the male fencers to him. Have you ever seen a fencer that did not look "dashing, romantic, the kind that make young women swoon and old women wish that they were again eighteen"? Remind him that there are no fencers that I have seen wearing plaid. In the animal kingdom, it is the male of the species that sports the brightest plumage, the fanciest feathers, the more daring and colorful pelt and scales, all to attract the best ladies (or any ladies, let's get real). Remind your Master that the peacock will always gather more oohs and aahs than the vulture. Then have him go out, pluck that peacock and staple the feathers somewhere that gentlewomen will notice.

Off to inventory my supply of brocades and furs...

The Doge