Warning: correspondents sending epistles of an abusive, offensive, tasteless, explicit or illegal nature will be dealt with. The editors would like to observe that the dungeon is not far from the wine cellar.

Dear Doge,
I'm a sixth-century Frank who has just apprenticed to a sixteenth-century Italian. He is a good friend but his ways are very foreign to me. Can you give me some idea as to what I should expect?

Anachronistic Apprentice

Dear Apprentice:
Here are some suggestions and observations to help you with the "generation gap" betwixt you and your Peer:

- not eating with your fingers. A truly decadent Italian will eat with someone else's fingers.

- the Church is much more civilized than when you last saw it, so much
so they had to split it into two pieces

- Rome as a whole hasn't changed, the barbarians are everywhere

- your master will almost certainly expect you to leap about
energetically for no obvious reason, and try to get you to use a
nasty Italian contraption called a "fork". The claim is that this is not a weapon.

- a woman rules England, a woman rules France (but don't tell the
King), the Pope is poisoning people, and his daughter didn't do it.
Really.

- Byzantium lost the Holy Land to some guys called Allah and
Mohammed. The Emperor was most put out, as it is putting quite a
crimp in the relics trade.

- Spain has not changed significantly - they are still trying to kick
the non-homogeneous peoples out, and are losing to the English on the
seas

- your Indians came from India, his come from the New World

- you'll discover that 16th century women look as if they have been
trussed up for roasting and their men run a close second.

- eschew the use of beads in any form - it can quickly lead to a disabling addiction

Dear Sleepless
Ah, yes, camping season is once again upon us. Time to break out the pavilions and the sunscreen (and the bug spray, the snakebite kit, the aloe vera and all those extra tent stakes) and head for the nearest tournament. No one knows the joys of camping better than I, your illustrious Doge. Many a time IÕve laid my head upon a rustic pillow in the open air and attempted to sleep. Outlanders in general are able to sleep through quite a bit or ruckus at these events (revelers, the sounds of a Rolling Thunder Party, tornadoes, or some would-be bard trying to filk "On Broadway", etc.) but the sound of unwelcome snoring in the next tent remains a constant and vexing problem. What is a gentle to do and remain chivalrous, as well as unincarcerated?

As tempting as it may be to pull oneÕs boots on and find a stick of rattan to deal with the problem, with the right sort of preparation on your part, youÕll find that rest comes easily.

1. Try to get to sleep before your snoring nemesis gets started. Go to bed at 7 PM if you absolutely have to.

2. Stick beads in your ears. Most Caer Galenites have at minimum 2-3 strands hanging on their persons at all times. Remember to keep them on the stings. The ChirugeonÕs injury report form doesnÕt have a blank for fishing loose beads from peopleÕs ears.

3. Soundproof your pavillion. Logically, if no sound can escape, no sound can get into your temporary dwelling. Attach styrofoam egg cartons to the interior canvas to a thickness that will stop the cries of a field herald standing just outside of the rainfly. An added bonus to this method is that if your tent is uprooted by the fierce Outlandish wind, and lands in a body of water, you can safely use it as a flotation device until rescue comes.

4. Pillows, pillows, pillows.

5. Sleep in your helm. The interior is padded and will provide a gentle, all over cushioning of your head and superior sound reduction. If Joan of Arc could sleep in her armor every night, you can too!

6. Purchase a set of earmuffs and wear them to bed, or if you prefer the dulcet tones of music to lull you into MorpheusÕs embrace, a tape recorder with padded earphones with one of those nature tapes. However, choose a soothing musical selection and make sure that the headphones stay on. The sounds of rainforest howler monkeys and crashing waves and seagulls could disrupt the folk in the tent next to you!

Wishing you peaceful slumberÉ..

Sincerely,
Rüdeger, Doge of Caer Galen