Warning: correspondents sending epistles of an abusive, offensive, tasteless, explicit or illegal nature will be dealt with. The editors would like to observe that the dungeon is not far from the wine cellar.

Dear Doge,

My husband came home the other day and told me that he was worried about me, that I was spending too much money on fabric. He believes I am addicted to buying fabric to make garb. He has threatened to leave me unless I seek treatment. I don't think I'm addicted to fabric. Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Velvet-Crazy

Dear Velvet
Fabric addiction is an ugly thing, though the results can be quite stunning. Especially when they adorn the body of a public figure such as myself. Ask youself some simple questions to determine if you truly are addicted to fabric or just very well acquainted with it:

Are you on a first name basis with the clerks at the fabric store?

Did any of them invite you to their early retirement parties saying "You helped make this possible?"

Can you pass a fabric store and not get a bolt of linen "for the road"?

Have you ever threatened your children/spouse/parents with physical harm if they used your silk shears to cut out construction paper?

Have you donated fabric to the last several Crowns and failed to make a dent in your supply?

Have you ever caught yourself sniffing Fray-Check?

Do you have a couple of sergers up on cinderblocks on the lawn?

When you enter a fabric store, do the clerks ask "The usual?" and hand you two carts?

Is your budget for fabric bigger than your budget for your house payment?

If you answer yes to more of these questions than not, it is possible that you are addicted to fabric. There are several support groups that help those addicted to the aquisition of textiles. TA (Textiles Anonymous) has helped many SCA folk break a destructive habit. For the harder-to-cure cases, an intervention may be necessary. The addicted gentle is locked in a room and only allowed to touch cheap stretch double-knit polyester and lime green rayon. This form of aversion therapy has been known to work in about 99.9% of cases.

Sometimes cold turkey is the best approach. As Doge of Caer Galen, I will help you out and advise you to send all of your trim, fabric, thread and paraphernalia to me. I will make sure that they are put in a safe place, where they will pose no threat to your sucessful recovery.

Fortunately, fabric addiction is mostly harmless, as such things go. Much worse is bead addiction. Typically, victims succumb completely within eight months of initial symptoms. There is no known cure.

Sincerely,
Rüdeger, Doge of Caer Galen