Warning: correspondents sending epistles of an abusive, offensive, tasteless, explicit or illegal nature will be dealt with in the most severe nature that Caer Galen can devise...you will be ignored. The editors would also like to observe that the dungeon is not far from the wine cellar.

Dear Doge,

I have a dilemma. I and my lady are preparing to attend a fancy dress party, in costume. The theme is that of "Historical and Literary Couples". I'm at a loss, and my lady is threatening to make me wear a sheepskin and go as little Bo Peep. Any ideas? Anything to get me out of having to wear that sheepskin again!

Sincerely,

Dressed, Stressed and Distressed

Dear Distressed,

Hmmm....costume balls are always a hurdle in a couple's relationship. One partner wants to go as the Black Adder, and it's a sure guess who gets to be Baldrick. Or the sheep.

But enough about my fraternity days! Here are some ideas to keep you out of the wool....

1. Heloise and Abelard. Components: nun's habit, friar's frock, love letters tossed everywhere (hers), a surly expression and a large styptic pencil (his).

2. Cleopatra and Anthony. Components: Lots of gold Egyptian jewelry, toga, snake in a fig basket, blood-stained sword. For her: do your eye makeup like Elizabeth Taylor, minus the White Diamonds. For him, keep muttering how Ceasar got a raw deal.

3. Justinian & Theodora. Components: Byzantine clothing, lots of pearls and gold, sandals, floor plans for the Hagia Sophia (his) dancing costume and a live goose (hers).

4. Robin Hood and Maid Marian: A bit of a cop-out, but fairly easy to pull together, and rather self explanatory, doncha think? Keep the "longbow" jokes to a minimum, please.

5. Eleanor of Aquitaine and Henry the II. Components: His & Hers Crowns, royal robes. For her: a vial of poison for Fair Rosamond, a mirror, and a t-shirt that says " I rode bare breasted to Damascus and all I got was this lousy tunic". For him: a paranoid expression, a large key to nervously fumble with while muttering "Dear Lord I hope she stays put!", and a large dartboard with the names Richard, Geoffrey and John etched onto it.

And for the not-so-faint-of heart:

6. Countess Elizabeth Bathory and Vlad Tepes: Eastern European garb, lots of knives, piercing stares. For him: a handlebar mustache, sharpened stake, suspicious stains on the armor. For her: a bath sponge and a large bucket. Suspicious stains on the...oh heck, you get the idea.

Hopefully this list will help you come to a compromise with your lady as to your costumes for the ball. And speaking of grand balls, please see our web site and the Dorinda for information on Caer Galen's Midwinter Celebration, to be held in December.

Off to pluck the peacocks...
The Doge