Warning: correspondents sending epistles of an abusive, offensive, tasteless, explicit or illegal nature will be dealt with in the most severe nature that Caer Galen can devise...you will be ignored. The editors would also like to observe that the dungeon is not far from the wine cellar.

Dear Doge,

I was confronted with a cloven fruit at an after revel by a gentleman that had less than sterling hygiene. How can refuse his gesture without hurting his feelings?

Sincerely,

Clean Living in Calontir

Dear Ms. Clean..

Hmmm, the perplexing riddle of how to avoid kissing someone that you would really rather not lock lips with, and not appear as if you detest him or her personally (even if you do). Personally, I have never encountered this problem, (down ladies!) but I have heard of gentles that have. You did not mention exactly the nature of the transgression of cleanlinessƒbad breath supposedly can be dealt with via the clove (hence the CLOVEN orange Ü spiking it with breath mints tends to detract from the medieval atmosphere and honestly, orange does nothing to enhance the taste of Tic Tacs). Body odor is a bit harder to deal with unless you happen to have a bar of soap and a convenient rain shower going on. Still, the nose knows. To avoid this awkward situation, take the following steps:

1. Tell him you are suffering from the plague and would not dream of giving him a dose of it. Dream up some symptoms while coughing discretely, such as a dry scratchy throat, hair loss, and the gnawing desire to watch Martha Stewart Christmas Specials. Trust me, he'll leave.

2. Tell him that you have a very jealous lord who is currently on his way to the site after his release from the nearest maximum-security prison. Clip out photos of longhaired, scruffy looking, testosterone-laden pro-wrestlers and write "To my little snub-nosed crossbow" and "Can't wait for my next probation hearing!" on them in black magic marker. Keep them handy in your belt pouch. Pull them out and sigh over them. He'll get the hint.

3. Get a mastiff. Sure, you will have a big smelly animal near you and he may even try to lick you. But you can at least leash this one.

4. Tell him you are allergic to oranges and cloves. And possibly the patterns on his tunic if he presses the matter. .

5. Call over your Guard and have him removed.

6. If you are at an after-revel, tell him your religion won't allow it and start handing him flowers and numerous pamphlets about your celibate lifestyle on the commune. He'll back off faster than a vampire from a crucifix.

Hopefully, this will help you deter the less than pleasantly aromatic. Good luck!

Off to prune my citrus trees,
The Doge